alpha dog

drew wrote this. and i love it.

it made me weep. but it's amazing.

tag

While I actually do have something really awesome and exciting to write about, it's kind of ruined by the huge, terrible, heart-breaking thing that's happening.

I love him too much to have to say goodbye, which is exactly what I had to do this morning.

As I write this and look at his happy face in photos, my eyes prick with tears and the back of my throat feels tight. I feel like my heart breaks every time I think of it, of him, and of what happened, what will happen on Thursday.

This morning, I put my face next to his and cried. I squeezed his black and white paws, all four of them, one at a time, and wept into his soft black coat. He didn't know why I was so sad, but I figure that's for the best. I can't bear the thought of him knowing what is to come. He sat up proudly, and I rubbed his white chest because I know how much he likes that. He leaned his head into my neck, as if to say, Don't cry, Kate, I love you too much! and I just held on for couple minutes and let my tears fall, forgetting all about the fact that I had just done my make up for work.  I whispered, "I love you" over and over, and I told him I was so sorry.

I hope that's enough.

He was always so much more than just our pet. I loved him so dearly. Still do.

And that's why my heart hurts.

Now Playing: Didn't Want to Say Goodbye | Ari Hest

baby fever!

seriously. i want one.

no mouth-breathers allowed

so, i think i have allergies. that, or a sinus infection.

i can't breathe. my head hurts with sinus pressure. my lips are chapped. my nose is raw. (it's sick.)

i'm a mouth-breather.

do you realize how depressing that is? ugh. i disgust myself.


in other, unrelated news, i'm watching season 2 of the oc. 

i just finished season 1 of true blood, but i jumped back onto the oc train. unfortuantely for gilmore girls season 1 and for myself, i won't have time to watch season 1 of gilmore girls. timing of these things is so important. I hate that i'm only allowed one week for videos from the lib. ruuude. don't they know that it takes more than a week to watch an entire season of a tv show? doesn't the library understand that not everyone can sit in front of the tv all day and watch endless hours of the tv show in question?! MY LIFE IS SO HARD.

in my queue at the library, i have season 2 of true blood (which has yet to be released, btw. AND i'm 76 of 77 holds. basically, i'll get it next year. sounds great!), party of five season 3,  season 1 of dexter, season 1 of the tudors and season 3 of the oc on hold. i am gonna be so busy.

back to the oc i go. back to laying on the couch in my own sickness. back to being a lowly mouth-breather.

xoxo



ps.  i still hate marissa.

omg. i vlogged.

ohhhh shiz

it's on.

miscounted

when i was working at ada yesterday, i got bored and started flipping through my planner. it was then i realized just how long it's been since i've even spoken to the person who had been my one constant for many, many years. when i counted, i must have counted wrong because i originally thought it had been eight weeks. but it's really only been six.

can that be right? how can that be? how can it still hurt? how can it still feel like the hole in my chest is gaping? it feels like a flesh wound that won't heal. despite me trying to take care of it, it doesn't go away. how can i still feel the air sucked out of my lungs when i think about it? when will this go away? when will i stop hurting?

i'm sorry i'm such a downer lately. i'm really trying not to be. it's just really hard. still.

now playing:

"...more than one innocent life can be spared!"

harry potter is on abc family right now.

if you're my mother, you would ask "which one?" and i would respond, "3. prisoner of azkaban."

i had to add azkaban to my phone's t9 dictionary (yeah, my phone is old and doesn't have a keyboard. i'm lame.). i'm hoping that i'll use the word azkaban enough that my phone won't forget the word. but, then again, my LG shine is weird and likes to remember words i never use and put them in sentences regularly (e.g. "i have to go to rehab" when i wanted to say "i have to go to toledo"), so maybe i'll get lucky and instead of suggesting i go to rehab, it will tell me to visit azkaban. maybe that's unlucky... that's a prison. hm. interesting.

anyway. yeah. harry potter's on mute while i do my stats homework. my exam is going to rape me. not excited.

my intention was that this entry would be one line. see? brevity just isn't my thing.

that one line i was gonna write was this: i hate that sirius dies.


now playing:

tfpn: texts from punctuation nerds

the following conversation occurred via text on March 9, 2010

drew: so i am a comma fiend
me: i believe it.
drew: like i went through an essay and was like wtf why are you here at least twice
me: yeah i love commas. they're so OMG CHILD ON A LEASH
drew: nice
me: yeah. anyway. i love commas. they're just so great. but i love semicolons even more. they're the best.
drew: semi colons if you know how to use them are amazing
me: andrew, do not ever even for one second entertain the idea that i do not not know how to use punctuation. rude.
drew: i wasn't. i was afraid to use punctuation in my last text because i know you would own me


omg my family is awesome! (NERD ALERT!!!)


 now playing:

ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges

you say that i've changed
well, maybe i did
but even if i changed,
what's wrong with it?
// third eye blind

It's incredible to me the change that has occurred since... oh, well, about May, I suppose.

Obviously, things change. it's inevitable, and usually change is generally a good thing. Even when it seems impossible, there's always some little ray of light that lets you know that you'll make it out alive. If you're lucky, you'll see the sweet silver lining while you're still in the middle of it, still a part of the transition. At the very least, you'll see it as you look back on the old you, and you realize that all of the trouble was worth it because you made it to the other side just a little bit smarter, tougher, braver, stronger, happier....

I suppose I could recap the huge things that have made me who I am now, the things that I can actually pinpoint as an event that has impacted me within the last year. These events strike me because they were all hard. I usually can hear my mind telling me this little pearl of truth whenever I think something's scary, or hard, or bad, or it feels like a worse that feels too big: "it's not brave if you're not scared."

Last March, (which is, incidentally, about the time I began blogging...?), was a time of great loss. I hadn't experienced the type of loss that I encountered at that time previously in my life. The only person I was close to who passed away was my aunt, and I was in seventh grade when that happened. Not that that loss didn't hurt or was any less important (because that is something extremely significant as well), I just wasn't at an age or time in my life that I could actually live through the grief as an adult and cognitively process loss as I did at age 21. Within about a week of each other, my roommate's mother and my grandpa both passed away. Never in my life had I experienced the overwhelming feelings of sadness, helplessness and grief as I did last March. Loss changes a person.

Graduation. What a monumental experience. In the moment, I didn't feel different; I didn't feel like a college graduate. Sure enough, though, the realization eventually sunk in that my friends would move away, we would grow up, get jobs, and start our real lives. It sunk in that I wouldn't be returning to the safe haven of friends, fun, an psuedo-real-life that college had been for four of the best years of my life. It was over.

Getting my first job out of college was... an adventure. It was something I ended up completely hating and being a complete mistake. I learned from it, though; I learned what I didn't want to do.

I moved away from the town I'd lived in (practically) my whole life. (Okay, so I still come home every chance I get, but it still counts.) I moved to a town where I knew no one. I had never felt so alone in my life. On top of still trying to figure out what life was to be post-graduation, dealing with the deep emotional effects my job was having on me, and living in a town where I knew no one, it is no wonder I felt depressed.

I started my MBA. I love school. I truly love being a student. I complain about the homework and how "lame" classes are, but I really do love it. And I'm actually doing really, really, really well in school. It was one of those shining lights in the darkness from which it seemed I would never emerge.

Switching jobs was probably the turning point, the time when I started to feel like myself again. I was welcomed into a company that encourages professional development and offers growth opportunities, I joined a team of people who made me know what it feels like to be valued and appreciated, and I started to feel good at something again. It's definitely not what I see myself doing in the long run, but, for now, it's okay.

I have made a few friends in my new town. I love the people I work with, and I meet new people in every class I take. I don't hang out a whole lot with these new people but that could be just because I come back home any time I have a free moment outside of work and school.

I feel closer to my family than I ever have before. I can't imagine life without any one of them; my obnoxious brothers, my loving parents (all three of them), my wacky grandma, and my supportive extended family have done nothing but encourage me and provide unyielding love and support.

Lastly, I suppose, the change I'm most recently trying to cope with is the grief and sense of loss I feel from the dissolution of the friendship I believed to be the deepest and longest-lasting friendships I have ever had. After nearly fifteen years of friendship, a bond was broken and it ended. I'm heartbroken and it hurts a lot. But, every time I try to think of something I would say to reach out, I come up with nothing, so that tells me it's not time. Maybe someday... but then again, it can never go back to what it was, and while I may be able to forgive, I will never be able to forget what happened, how it felt, what was said and done. As Rhett Butler said (in a story I still haven't seen (or read?!)-- oh well!), "What's broken is broken- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

So, yeah, I guess that change is inevitable. The best part is that change is like growth. All of it helps on this journey called life, and I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. You live, you learn.