agatha

agatha is gone.

we traded her in. tam got a new 2009 saturn vue and i got her white taurus, who i have yet to name. i have always liked tam's white taurus better than good ole aggie because it's a newer model, the heating/cooling system actually works properly, has a louder sound system... just a better set up. but i always had old reliable aggie waiting in the wings for me, all friendly and familiar.

now she's gone, and a part of my heart is gone with her.


(i'm taking in suggestions for white taurus's new name.)

parents schmarents

The thing that has plagued me lately is the animosity between my parents. Okay, let's be honest; it's not just a "lately" thing. The animosity has been apparent for years, most specifically the last couple of years. The fact that I said animosity reminds me of "Pop" by*NSYNC. There's a line that JC sings which goes like this:

tired of feelin'
all around me
this animosity
just worry 'bout yours
'cuz I'ma get mine
now people can't you see?

Anyway, it goes into the chorus and the vocal stylings of Lance, Joey, Justin, Jc and Chris fill my ears and I find myself bopping my head to the genius that was penned by none other than JT himself. It's only relevant because they used the same word I used. Oh well, I love me some *NSYNC. Yes, still.

Oh, right. Back to the original topic, yes, yes, yes, of course. The animosity between Fran and Tam has been especially worrysome to me lately because graduation is looming. I say looming rather than any other word that could express excitement or something positive because the thought of graduation, leaving this place and venturing out into a world unknown scares the hell out of me. I know it should be a time of sheer bliss and to celebrate the future, and my success in getting a degree in four years, which, I have learned, is becoming increasingly rare. Who knew? Instead, this whole graduating business has me on pins and needles. I feel uneasy and nervous most hours of most days. I find myself clinging to the status quo of my life in vain. So, despite whining about work, I hold on tightly because it's familiar, easy and consistent. I try not to think about the friends that have become my family leaving, going on to changing the world one child at a time, and or getting on with their lives without me. I try not to think about what will become of me because the unknown seems so scary.

Good Lord! I've gotten sidetracked again. Graduation makes me worry about my parents because it should be a day that I can share with both of them, in a way that is positive and enjoyable. I would give anything for a chance to enjoy time with both of my parents at the same time without worrying that someone was going to lose their shit, say something insensitive, and/or produce tears for anyone in the vacinity. I just know that if I tried to do anything involving the both of them at the same time, someone would inevitably be unhappy, and that someone would be my mom. In an ideal world, we would be able to all go to dinner after graduation and have a genuinely good time. I want to be able to share this experience with my mom as well as Dad and Terri. They're my family; it shouldn't have to be a "choose one or the other" kind of situation. I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.

Having parents that get along is a luxury, this I know. But when will the anger, resentment and negativity end? When will I have the family I want and that we all deserve?

For those of you who do have families that love each other and can be in the same room without drama and/or fits of rage, please feel thankful for what you have, because I'd give just about anything for that. (Maybe even more than I would give for a ticket to an *NSYNC reunion tour, and we all know that I'd give a lot for that)

my heart aches

so, i stumbled upon the most fantastic thing ever tonight. i was (and am) supposed to be writing my film diary (which still isn't finished, by the way! fml.) and i was searching youtube instead. i was thinking i would still be able to youtube and write this stupid film diary about mona lisa smile at the same time, but that is obviously not the case. lucky for me, im not tired at all apparently. anyway, what i found on youtube sparked a frenzy in my heart.

two words: meghan tonjes.

she is seriously phenomenal. i am obsessed. i cannot get enough. i have her on repeat and i just want to listen to her angelic voice all the time now.

her lyrics are amazing. i heard (my favorite song) the end and seriously almost cried. it's as though she poked her head into my heart and just listened to it for a little bit, came out again and penned this little beauty. it's a stroke of pure genius. it's slightly creepy that it feels like it's directly out of my own heart, but i can and will overlook that because it's just that good.

i'm gonna copy and paste the lyrics to the song in here because:
1.) i'm that obnoxious;
2.) i told you i'm obsessed;
3.) i couldn't find them anywhere on the internet so i made them myself. lol

the end

hello
it's me
again
i'm calling
to hear
your voice
on the line
played you a song
wrote you a letter to say
that i'm done with this

went through a box
pictures of us smiling
back of a room
playing ourselves
we look so young
we look so happy
don't really know if we ever were

and i don't believe
you're meant for me any more
than the shore
belongs to the sea
and i was the one
and i was the only one
standing for all
i knew you could be

hello
you say
it's been
a long time
i can't
remember the last time we spoke
i'm good
i'm better
the winter's been hard on all of us
i'm getting close to letting go

saw you in pictures
heard you were doing so well
on your own now
i knew you would
heard from a friend
of a friend
of a friend
you were moving out west
to give it a go

and i don't believe
you're meant for me any more
than the shore
belongs to the sea
and i was the one
and i was the only one
standing for all
i knew you could be

i miss you
more than
words can
say

and i don't believe
you're meant for me any more
than the shore
belongs to the sea
and i was the one
and i was the only one
standing for all
i knew i could be...


xoxo

history of russia 101

i googled the russian revolution which led to their civil war, the bolsheviks and the basis of lenin's political ideology. i also googled several members of the royal family family as well as one of the main guys involved in ther execution for more than three hours yesterday.

why did i do this? for fun. because i was curious. and a huge nerd.
and because i watched anastasia, which piqued my curiosity.

i'm like that damn cat. someday i'm going to die.

+1 brother

i've gained a brother. his name is andrew, he's a freshman (well, technically, i think he's a sophomore....) at kettering university and a member of the delta tau delta fraternity. Okay, so, he sounds exactly like my real brother, but i swear he's a real person. for one thing, he's way taller than drew. he also has cooler shoes, and goes by the name sully.

he moved in, like, a week ago. he lives in the green room. well, obviously not my green room... my room is newly green so i guess it can be called A green room, but it's certainly not THE green room. he's like BFFs with drew, which must be cool for them since they live together now and hang out constantly. he watched me fold my laundry on sunday. not, like, in a creeps way or anything; it was more of a we're-all-in-the-same-room-watching-the-same-movie kind of way and me and my laundry were just hanging out on the floor.

oh, okay. so. i think this girl in my class brought a friend/brother/boyfriend to class. i'm gonna say it's safe to assume it's her boyfriend from how her hands are like... on him and stuff while he starts up his computer... it's all very strange. he's kinda creeps; his face is weird, there's just something about it. and, like my advertising ta, it's slightly reminiscent of what a rapist's face looks like. obviously, rapists don't all look the same, and there's not just, like, one feature that all rapists have. it's just like... there's something about it that's slightly... what's the word?... creeps! anyway, i'm not suggesting that he's going to rape me, or that he's a rapist at all. i'm sure he's not, i'm sure he's a very nice man who just happened to be dragged to class by his girlfriend and now he feels all kinds of awkward sitting next to some girl who thinks he looks like a rapist for no reason at all.

at any rate, i'm just saying. there's something creeps about him.

now, for something unrelated:

ps. how presh is this?! it's from the lansing state journal. i saw it today and just felt my heart warm right up.

moving right along... i was talking to erica about this a little bit last night during the game (side note: sad face). i sit in my FCE class every tuesday night and just worry that i'm going to die. last week we talked about toxins and now i'm all worried that all of the plastic in my life is going to kill me. even plastic that i have nothing to do with, i just think i'm gonna die because it's out there, deteriorating, breaking down and into something i could possibly consume. i don't wanna drink out of water bottles; they're bad for the environment and they're bad for me. not good! and when i used one of those orange-y smelling antibacterial wipes yesterday to clean off the kitchen counter, i immediately worried that those chemicals seeped through my skin and knocked off a few months of my life.

today, we're talking about autism and adhd. now, because of this, i feel like i have both of those things. this class really does nothing to help my paranoia and hypochondriasis (sp?!).

anyway, sully. yeah. i guess he's pretty cool. only time will tell. but, like, seriously, what's one more "brother" in my life? i already have like... three, so i guess this temporary one won't be so bad.

looove. <3

saturday night fever- not so much

it's a saturday night. the spartans won tonight. my friends are out. (hopefully no one is actually rioting.)

i'm home, alone. watching a julia roberts movie (something to talk about, with dennis quaid. he has a mullet in this movie. it's not very good, but i like it- the movie, not the mullet).

i was just thinking that i'm not even upset about it. i'm not sulking, i don't wish i was out having fun like everyone else. it's not like i was forgotten about or purposely uninvited, thank goodness. i like to believe that not much time is spent talking about me behind my back as well, though i know at least a little bit does every now and again. i'm not so vain to think it's a constant topic, how obnoxious i am or how i don't manage my emotions properly... i just know that it does indeed happen. it's bound to.

sometimes it feels good to be alone. being alone and being lonely are two different things; last night i felt lonely, tonight i'm just alone. times like these i feel as though i've escaped to a place that's quiet and somewhere i can feel completely in control.

the only problem with quiet is that it gets my mind reeling. i start to think about the future and my thoughts start to get jumbled. i begin feeling conflicted and the worry sets in.

this is rather pointless, and a bunch of mindless ramblings. i don't know where i was going with any of this or exactly what i wanted to write.

so please be careful with me,
i'm sensitive
and i'd like to stay that way.