parents schmarents

The thing that has plagued me lately is the animosity between my parents. Okay, let's be honest; it's not just a "lately" thing. The animosity has been apparent for years, most specifically the last couple of years. The fact that I said animosity reminds me of "Pop" by*NSYNC. There's a line that JC sings which goes like this:

tired of feelin'
all around me
this animosity
just worry 'bout yours
'cuz I'ma get mine
now people can't you see?

Anyway, it goes into the chorus and the vocal stylings of Lance, Joey, Justin, Jc and Chris fill my ears and I find myself bopping my head to the genius that was penned by none other than JT himself. It's only relevant because they used the same word I used. Oh well, I love me some *NSYNC. Yes, still.

Oh, right. Back to the original topic, yes, yes, yes, of course. The animosity between Fran and Tam has been especially worrysome to me lately because graduation is looming. I say looming rather than any other word that could express excitement or something positive because the thought of graduation, leaving this place and venturing out into a world unknown scares the hell out of me. I know it should be a time of sheer bliss and to celebrate the future, and my success in getting a degree in four years, which, I have learned, is becoming increasingly rare. Who knew? Instead, this whole graduating business has me on pins and needles. I feel uneasy and nervous most hours of most days. I find myself clinging to the status quo of my life in vain. So, despite whining about work, I hold on tightly because it's familiar, easy and consistent. I try not to think about the friends that have become my family leaving, going on to changing the world one child at a time, and or getting on with their lives without me. I try not to think about what will become of me because the unknown seems so scary.

Good Lord! I've gotten sidetracked again. Graduation makes me worry about my parents because it should be a day that I can share with both of them, in a way that is positive and enjoyable. I would give anything for a chance to enjoy time with both of my parents at the same time without worrying that someone was going to lose their shit, say something insensitive, and/or produce tears for anyone in the vacinity. I just know that if I tried to do anything involving the both of them at the same time, someone would inevitably be unhappy, and that someone would be my mom. In an ideal world, we would be able to all go to dinner after graduation and have a genuinely good time. I want to be able to share this experience with my mom as well as Dad and Terri. They're my family; it shouldn't have to be a "choose one or the other" kind of situation. I should be able to have my cake and eat it too.

Having parents that get along is a luxury, this I know. But when will the anger, resentment and negativity end? When will I have the family I want and that we all deserve?

For those of you who do have families that love each other and can be in the same room without drama and/or fits of rage, please feel thankful for what you have, because I'd give just about anything for that. (Maybe even more than I would give for a ticket to an *NSYNC reunion tour, and we all know that I'd give a lot for that)