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While I actually do have something really awesome and exciting to write about, it's kind of ruined by the huge, terrible, heart-breaking thing that's happening.

I love him too much to have to say goodbye, which is exactly what I had to do this morning.

As I write this and look at his happy face in photos, my eyes prick with tears and the back of my throat feels tight. I feel like my heart breaks every time I think of it, of him, and of what happened, what will happen on Thursday.

This morning, I put my face next to his and cried. I squeezed his black and white paws, all four of them, one at a time, and wept into his soft black coat. He didn't know why I was so sad, but I figure that's for the best. I can't bear the thought of him knowing what is to come. He sat up proudly, and I rubbed his white chest because I know how much he likes that. He leaned his head into my neck, as if to say, Don't cry, Kate, I love you too much! and I just held on for couple minutes and let my tears fall, forgetting all about the fact that I had just done my make up for work.  I whispered, "I love you" over and over, and I told him I was so sorry.

I hope that's enough.

He was always so much more than just our pet. I loved him so dearly. Still do.

And that's why my heart hurts.

Now Playing: Didn't Want to Say Goodbye | Ari Hest

i hate sundays

i hate sundays.

monday is looming.
back to reality
back to the life i wish wasn't mine
back to the loneliness that is too overwhelming
back to feeling lost
back to a lesser version of myself

i want to work hard but it want to work for something i want,
something i believe in,
something where i know i'm making a difference,
where i'm valued.

i realized that i cry every time i come home.
that means i cry every weekend about how i wish my life was different, how i don't know how to fix it.

all i can think about is that quote from something. something like "you're sick of bad things happening? stop putting up with it and demand better."
i know that the only way things will get better is if i do something about it, but i just don't know where to begin. it's all just so overwhelming.