ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges

you say that i've changed
well, maybe i did
but even if i changed,
what's wrong with it?
// third eye blind

It's incredible to me the change that has occurred since... oh, well, about May, I suppose.

Obviously, things change. it's inevitable, and usually change is generally a good thing. Even when it seems impossible, there's always some little ray of light that lets you know that you'll make it out alive. If you're lucky, you'll see the sweet silver lining while you're still in the middle of it, still a part of the transition. At the very least, you'll see it as you look back on the old you, and you realize that all of the trouble was worth it because you made it to the other side just a little bit smarter, tougher, braver, stronger, happier....

I suppose I could recap the huge things that have made me who I am now, the things that I can actually pinpoint as an event that has impacted me within the last year. These events strike me because they were all hard. I usually can hear my mind telling me this little pearl of truth whenever I think something's scary, or hard, or bad, or it feels like a worse that feels too big: "it's not brave if you're not scared."

Last March, (which is, incidentally, about the time I began blogging...?), was a time of great loss. I hadn't experienced the type of loss that I encountered at that time previously in my life. The only person I was close to who passed away was my aunt, and I was in seventh grade when that happened. Not that that loss didn't hurt or was any less important (because that is something extremely significant as well), I just wasn't at an age or time in my life that I could actually live through the grief as an adult and cognitively process loss as I did at age 21. Within about a week of each other, my roommate's mother and my grandpa both passed away. Never in my life had I experienced the overwhelming feelings of sadness, helplessness and grief as I did last March. Loss changes a person.

Graduation. What a monumental experience. In the moment, I didn't feel different; I didn't feel like a college graduate. Sure enough, though, the realization eventually sunk in that my friends would move away, we would grow up, get jobs, and start our real lives. It sunk in that I wouldn't be returning to the safe haven of friends, fun, an psuedo-real-life that college had been for four of the best years of my life. It was over.

Getting my first job out of college was... an adventure. It was something I ended up completely hating and being a complete mistake. I learned from it, though; I learned what I didn't want to do.

I moved away from the town I'd lived in (practically) my whole life. (Okay, so I still come home every chance I get, but it still counts.) I moved to a town where I knew no one. I had never felt so alone in my life. On top of still trying to figure out what life was to be post-graduation, dealing with the deep emotional effects my job was having on me, and living in a town where I knew no one, it is no wonder I felt depressed.

I started my MBA. I love school. I truly love being a student. I complain about the homework and how "lame" classes are, but I really do love it. And I'm actually doing really, really, really well in school. It was one of those shining lights in the darkness from which it seemed I would never emerge.

Switching jobs was probably the turning point, the time when I started to feel like myself again. I was welcomed into a company that encourages professional development and offers growth opportunities, I joined a team of people who made me know what it feels like to be valued and appreciated, and I started to feel good at something again. It's definitely not what I see myself doing in the long run, but, for now, it's okay.

I have made a few friends in my new town. I love the people I work with, and I meet new people in every class I take. I don't hang out a whole lot with these new people but that could be just because I come back home any time I have a free moment outside of work and school.

I feel closer to my family than I ever have before. I can't imagine life without any one of them; my obnoxious brothers, my loving parents (all three of them), my wacky grandma, and my supportive extended family have done nothing but encourage me and provide unyielding love and support.

Lastly, I suppose, the change I'm most recently trying to cope with is the grief and sense of loss I feel from the dissolution of the friendship I believed to be the deepest and longest-lasting friendships I have ever had. After nearly fifteen years of friendship, a bond was broken and it ended. I'm heartbroken and it hurts a lot. But, every time I try to think of something I would say to reach out, I come up with nothing, so that tells me it's not time. Maybe someday... but then again, it can never go back to what it was, and while I may be able to forgive, I will never be able to forget what happened, how it felt, what was said and done. As Rhett Butler said (in a story I still haven't seen (or read?!)-- oh well!), "What's broken is broken- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

So, yeah, I guess that change is inevitable. The best part is that change is like growth. All of it helps on this journey called life, and I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. You live, you learn.